Cosmic Chronicle

Doc Ock captures Nadya’s heart

Octomom finds her perfect match

By Richard Head
Celebrity correspondent
LA HABRA, CALIF.--Dr. Otto Octavius may be one of Spider-Man’s most fearsome foes, but the multi-limbed madman has captured Octomom Nadya Suleman’s heart!

Doc Ock, Nadya and four of the babies

    “He’s the best thing that ever happened to me, not counting in vitro fertilization,” gushes Nadya, who famously gave birth to octuplets in January. “And he’s great with the babies. In fact, he’s the only one I know who can hold six of them at once.”
    Octavius, 51, shot to fame fighting Spider-Man after a laboratory accident fused four titanium steel tentacles to his body.     A series of legendary battles ensued before Octavius landed in a super-villain detention facility in Nebraska. But he was released earlier this year to free up space for an expected flood of former Bush administration officials.
    Octavius, also known as Doctor Octopus -- or Doc Ock as Spider-Man calls him -- met raven-haired Nadya, 33, on the set of the Today show. After he saw her being interviewed by host Matt Lauer, Octavius commandeered the studio and threatened to destroy Rockefeller Center unless she dated him.
    “I was charmed, to say the least,” recalls Nadya, who has six other children by previous in vitro relationships.
    She adds that she and Octavius really have a lot in common.

Nadya practices pitching Huggies in a Wal-Mart

    “Like Otto, I’ve also been demonized,” she says. “I’m not really an irresponsible, publicity- seeking wacko with no means to support my 14 children -- at least not if this Huggies diaper endorsement deal goes through. Believe me, we're buying them by the truckload!”
    Despite the mutual attraction, Nadya says she and Doc Ock aren’t quite ready to tie the knot.
    “We both got a lot on our plates right now,” she explains. “I’m up to my ears trying to squeeze as much money out of my fleeting fame as possible and he’s working on a new evil plot.”
    But they’re not ruling anything out -- including another litter of little ones.
    “I’ve got plenty of eggs left,” chirps Nadya. “And Otto, he’s a walking sperm bank after spending so much time in jail!”

News update

Obama wows aliens in historic speech

By Ace Sweeney
Intragalactic correspondent
AKIRFA, AYNEK--Speaking before thousands of dignitaries from throughout the Milky Way Galaxy, United States President Barack Obama made a stirring appeal for peace, unity and cheap energy technology at a Federation of Planets summit here in the Sirius Star System.

President Barack Obama (far right) addressing an eclectic mix of aliens at the galactic summit

    After being recognized as the leader of Earth by Federation officials, and whisked to the Sirius System in an alien craft, Obama captivated the eclectic crowd of aliens with his trademark soaring oratory. And he stunned them with his blockbuster admission that his own father hailed from another planet.
    “The Earth has been enriched by alien visitors, and many Earthlings have aliens in their family,” he said. “I know because I am one of them.”
    Obama, 47, also made an impassioned plea for advanced races to share some of their global-preserving technologies.

Obama's father

    “Right now, Earth is an endangered planet,” he confessed. “So if any of you can show us an inexpensive way to create energy without destroying our atmosphere and melting our polar icecaps, we’d really, really appreciate it. If not, maybe I can interest you in some nice oceanfront property in Kansas.”
    The fledgling leader also warned that Earth would not tolerate attacks by hostile extraterrestrials, such as a recently uncovered plot to destroy the planet by cloning George W. Bush, first revealed in the June 1, 2008 premiere issue of the Cosmic Chronicle.
    “To those of you who seek to conquer Earth, I say we will defeat you,” Obama vowed. “But we will extend the hand of friendship if you are willing to unclench your talon.”
    And he wrapped it up by making a spirited call for unity.

Grand Master wan-Wukka

    “Ask not what your planet can do for you,” he proclaimed. “Ask what your planet can do for your galaxy -- like giving your good neighbor Earth some cheap energy technology.”
    Obama received a rousing ovation at the conclusion of his 21-minute speech and accolades from the Federation’s top official.
    “Obama is quite the statesman for such a primitive species,” says Wakka wan-Wukka, Grand Master of the Federation’s Supreme Council. “He reminds me of his old man - but without the third eye!”