Cosmic Chronicle

SETI receives desperate plea

E.T. is missing again!

By Ace Sweeney
Intragalactic correspondent
HAT CREEK OBSERVATORY, CALIF. – Super-powerful radio telescopes have picked up their first definitive transmission from outer space -- a missing alien alert for E.T.!

Allen Radio Telescope Array at Hat Creek

“Notice to all intelligent beings -- and humans,” states the galactic All Points Bulletin. “E.T. has vanished without a trace during a routine flora gathering mission to the Alpha Centauri Star System. ¥1,000 reward for information leading to his whereabouts.”
SETI radio astronomers monitoring signals at the expansive Allen Radio Telescope Array in northern California received the transmission on June 13. At first, it was thought to be a hoax because the message sounded like the classic rock song Louie, Louie.

Missing alien E.T.

    “Some melodies are universal,” says alien linguistics expert Dr. Hans Klaatu, who was brought in to translate the enigmatic message. “But the words here are 'Oolee, Oolee,' which is E.T.'s birth name. Looks as though officials on E.T.’s home planet of Brodo Asogi have lost track of the beloved little guy again.
    “And that’s quite a reward, seeing how ¥1 is worth $4,358 at the current exchange rate.”
    The mystery comes 27 years after E.T. first went missing during a botanical expedition to Earth, an adventure captured in famed movie director Steven Spielberg’s blockbuster biopic, E.T. the Extraterrestrial.
    When contacted by the Cosmic Chronicle, an official on Brodo Asogi said investigators believe E.T. may have slipped back to Earth, which lies in the nearest star system to Alpha Centauri.

Drew then...

“E.T. always spoke fondly of his days on Earth -- and has made no secret of his desire to mate with his movie co-star Drew Barrymore,” says the source. “She was too young when they met, but now she’s all grown up and sexually adventurous -- even by Earth girl

...and now

standards.
    “E.T. has been obsessed with meeting up with her again.”
    Barrymore, 34, was warned to be on the lookout for the lovestruck 789-year-old alien, but she didn't sound too concerned.
    “Hey, after being married to two losers for a total of seven months and dating the Mac guy,” she said, “bring him on!”

Space Shorts
By Annie Matter

Alien wins Survivor: Loupis Lacti

LOUPIS LACTI -- In a widely anticipated finale, heavily favored Alien defended its crown by defeating the evil Cardissian Gul Dukat to take the Survivor: Loupis Lacti crown!

Still champ: Alien

    The victory capped another explosive season of the wildly popular show, which took place on Loupis Lacti, a desert planet in the Betelgeuse Star System.
    A record number of viewers tuned in to watch The Blob go on a diet, The Thing turn into Something, Godzilla assimilated by the Borg (which immediately destroyed Tokyo), ALF eaten by Jabba the Hutt and Boba Fett arresting Dr. Who for malpractice.
    All were sent packing, leaving Alien and Dukat to battle it out for the cherished title. Although Alien

Gul Dukat

had easily won every Galactic Survivor competition since its inception, some experts believed the sadistic Cardassian of Star Trek Deep Space Nine fame would be the first to outlast the acid-blooded monster.
But it wasn't to be.
“It took Alien a record 3.56 seconds to render Gul Dukat inert by ripping off his limbs and tearing out his heart,” says show producer Mork from Ork. “No one else has ever lasted that long!”

Deep space probe detects traces of Trump’s ego

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA. -- The Voyager I spacecraft, the furthest functioning probe from Earth, has found faint traces of Donald Trump’s ego in the void of space outside the Solar System!

Donald Trump

    The plucky probe, which was launched in 2005, is now close to 11 billion miles from Earth, well past the orbit of the demoted planet Pluto.
    “It’s amazing,” says Voyager I mission specialist Dr. Oscar Weiner. “For months there was no sign of anything and then, suddenly, Voyager senses an electromagnetic force similar to brain waves.”
    Engineers were able to translate the electromagnetic pulses into the words “Trump Galaxy Towers” and “Stellar Trump Hotel & Casino” before the signal was lost.
    “It was the strangest thing,” says Tripp. “Voyager was just chirping away, then it suddenly stopped after transmitting its last words, ‘You’re fired!’”

Heavenly bodies demand extreme makeovers

HOUSTON, TEX. -- The Hubble space telescope’s new upgrade has set off a string of wild demands for unprecedented cosmetic procedures by heavenly bodies unhappy with their appearance.

The Man in the Moon

    The Man in the Moon wants dermabrasion to smooth out his complexion, Jupiter is looking to get rid of his Red Spot, Saturn wants some liposuction on her trademark rings because she thinks they make her look fat, and virtually featureless Uranus seeks a complete face transplant -- as well as a name change.
    “With the Hubble’s upgrade, it’s like going from regular TV to high definition,” explains famed astronomer Si Klopps.
    “Just like those local news people who suddenly seem to sprout moles, pimples and pores the size of black holes when viewed in hi-def, the local planets and moons are concerned that all their imperfections will show up in new Hubble photos.”

Editor's Note:

I hope you enjoy reading the Cosmic Chronicle as much as my staff of the finest news correspondents in the universe and I enjoy bringing it to you. Our reward is giving you a laugh or two in these trying times, but if you would like to contribute something more marketable -- like money, gold or Federation credits -- to help support this invaluable source of information you'll find nowhere else, we'd gladly accept it. Donations, which are tax-deductable on several planets (check your own world's tax policies for eligibility), can be made through PayPal or by check. For PayPal donations, click here and remit to: gary@cosmiccafe.com.

Checks or money orders can be made out to SuperWriter, Inc. and mailed to: SuperWriter, Inc., 398 Pine Circle, Boca Raton, FL 33432, USA, Planet Earth.

Thanks for your support,
Gary Greenberg
Editor-in-chief

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