Cosmic Chronicle

Bombshell sex shocker
Sarah Palin’s Big(foot) Adventure
By Jim McNutt
National correspondent
WASILLA, ALASKA --In a blockbuster world exclusive, the Cosmic Chronicle blows the lid off a shocking sex scandal that could shatter the political ambitions of GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin!
Informed sources close to the spunky Alaska governor reveal that she had a steamy affair with Bigfoot, the legendary ape-like creature that roams remote wilderness areas.

Palin on a caribou hunt

    A former family friend tells the Cosmic Chronicle that Palin, 44, began cheating on her husband Todd with Bigfoot during a caribou-hunting excursion in 1993.
    “We’d been out hunting all day and, as girls are inclined to do, we were talking about guys and sex,” recalls the friend. “She wondered if the old wives tale about guys’ feet being an indication of the size of their you-know-what when we came across Bigfoot’s tracks in the snow.
    “I was scared but Sarah – she’s a real pistol -- followed the tracks into a glade and disappeared for about 20 minutes. When she finally came out, her clothes were rumpled and her hair going every which way. She just smiled dreamily and said: ‘It’s true, it's true.’”

Sarah shopping for her big beau

    The friend, who passed a rigorous lie detector test, goes on to reveal that Palin returned to the same area in the woods several times in the following months.
    “Then, suddenly, she just stopped going,” says the friend. “When I asked her about it, she told me: ‘I’m pregnant again.’
    “Sarah seemed a nervous wreck through the whole thing and was really relieved when [her daughter] Willow was born with these teeny-tiny feet."
    After Palin was elected governor, another reliable source says the fervent pro-life proponent began making trips into the wilderness to oversee the slaughter of wild wolves from airplanes.

Bigfoot being vetted

    “But she’d vanish from campsites in the middle of the night and sometimes stay out until morning,” recalls the source. “Then she’d come back telling everyone she spent the night searching for oil and natural gas deposits to help fix America's energy problems.”
    Meanwhile, a Washington insider reveals that Bigfoot was actually tracked down and vetted by Republican investigators just before GOP presidential hopeful John McCain named Palin as his surprise running mate.
    “Bigfoot apparently told them he wasn’t talking to the press since the Weekly World News went out of business,” says the insider. “So I guess they figured the governor’s secret was safe.”

Monster Roundup
By Seymour Weiner

Mummy comes unwrapped, in rehab

The Mummy

LUXOR, EGYPT -- The Mummy landed in rehab after becoming addicted to adhesive tape!
    "Apparently, he started using it a couple of years ago," confides Dr. Mustaba Fixortu, an addictions expert at Pharaoh's Rehabilitation Clinic in Luxor. "At first, it was just snippets to patch up little tears in his linen. But he felt empowered by it and began using more and more until it just got out of control."
    An anonymous call led authorities to The Mummy's tomb, where he was found unconcious and covered in adhesive tape from head to toe. Unlike his linen wrapping, the adhesive tape isn't breathable and the ageless fiend was suffocating.
    "We got there in the nick of time," says Giza police officer Ahmad Ashell. "But we couldn't pull off the adhesive tape without it tearing up his linen. So we just took him in as he was."
    Doctors carefully cut off the adhesive tape and rewrapped the damaged linen. The Mummy has regained his strength and is now vowing to beat his demons. But Dr. Fixortu says the ancient ghoul has a hard road ahead.
    "He needs to keep off the adhesive tape," explains Dr. Fixortu. "He shouldn't even come in contact with any users because one whiff of the stuff may be all it takes to send him careening back into the dark abyss of addiction."

Dracula invents vampire sunscreen

Count Dracula

TRANSYLVANIA, ROMANIA -- Count Dracula & Minions, Inc., has announced the development of a powerful new sunscreen that can protect vampires -- even in the harsh light of midday!
    "With an SPF of 666, Transylvanian Tropics allows the average vampire to withstand direct sunlight for hours on end without turning to dust," boasts the 987-year-old company CEO, Count Dracula.
    "In fact, thousands of us are already using this product -- and having a bloody good time of it!"
    The company is also reported to be developing a stake-proof vest, hidden cross detector and a spray that instantly neutralizes garlic fumes.
    "We're working for the betterment of all vampires," says Dracula. "Our No. 1 goal is to remain undead."

Frankenstein plastic surgery nightmare

Frankenstein

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND.. --The Frankenstein monster is suing Dr. Victor Frankenstein for botching a facelift and other surgeries.
According the court documents, the fabled monster is seeking $50 million to cover medical and legal costs as well as pain and suffering. He's also filing a separate $10 million suit against Dr.Frankenstein's assistant Igor for substituting an inferior brain for the one contracted upon, and then "shamelessly" covering it up.
“Mr. Frankenstein understands the limitations when stitching together body parts from cadavers,’ says the creature’s lawyer, former U.S. Attoney General Alberto ‘Bamboo Shoot’ Gonzales. “But this has left my client in a condition that could only be described as 'torturous' -- and that’s saying a lot when it comes out of my mouth!”