Cosmic Chronicle

Election campaign fallout

Mudslinging devastates Everglades

By Dan D. Lyons
Environmental correspondent

FLAMINGO, FLA. – A record-shattering amount of mudslinging by political candidates in the 2010 midterm elections has spawned a dire ecological disaster in the Everglades, say environmental experts.
According to a study by the government’s soon-to-be disbanded Environmental Protection Agency, the toxic mud cast by opponents in Florida’s hotly-contested political races has clogged waterways throughout the state and threaten to dry up the Everglades, obliderating the habitat for wide variety of flora, fauna and airboat operators.
“This is an ecological disaster that will make the Gulf oil spill look like a drop in the ocean,” warns Savannah Forester, spokeswoman for the EPA, which is slated to be replaced by the PPA (Petroleum Protection Agency) once the newly-elected Republicans start flexing their legislative muscle.

Alex Sink's campaign headquarters

    “The muck so cavalierly thrown around by the candidates has not only clogged up the flow in our precious River of Grass but has also contaminated the Floridan Aquifer, which supplies fresh water to the area,” adds Forester. “It's actually turned the water the color of tea.”
    Political experts say the out-of- control mudslinging was a confluence of forces spearheaded by the U.S. Supreme Court’s recent decision to allow corporations, unions and drug cartels to contribute to political campaigns anonymously – thus providing enough cash and cocaine to fuel a relenteless barrage of attack ads and late night partying.
    “Much of the toxic mud was personally funded by Florida’s Governor-elect Rick Scott, who tapped into his offshore accounts to the tune of $73 million,” notes political pundit B.S. Spouter. “He then used it to paint his opponent Alex Sink as a ‘woman with a man’s name’ and therefore unfit for office.”

Scott (left) and Kruger

    Sink lashed back, calling Scott “bald, creepy and quite possibly a serial killer.”
    “Have you ever noticed that you never see Rick Scott and Freddie Kruger in the same place at the same time?” she asked.
    But, ultimately, Sink couldn’t overcome the confusion surrounding her name -- and the way Florida precincts count votes.
    Other races were just as well-funded and nasty, causing a crisis that Forester says is already having dramatic consequences.
    “The drinking water is now contaminated with poitical mudslinging mud,” says the mother of three. “In fact, the day after the election, my 4-year-old daughter took a sip of water,

Baron Landsea

then blasted me as an ‘Obama liberal’ when I told her to finish her green beans.”
While environmentalists warn the drying up of the Everglades could be catastrophic for South Florida’s fragile ecosystem and alligator wrestling industry, others are rejoicing.
“This is great!” exclaims Miami-based developer Baron Landsea. “With all that solid ground out there, we can build condos from here to Naples!”