Cosmic Chronicle

Golf great beds alien

Tiger’s love life is out of this world!

By Jacques Strapp
Sports correspondent
WINDERMERE, FLA.-- Tiger Woods’ lurid cheating scandal took a shocking turn when a horny alien beauty stepped forward to claim that she also romped with the sex-crazed golf star!

Horny alien Raahala in Las Vegas

    Exotic Raahala, a striped stunner from the planet Darami in the nearby Sirius Star System, joins an ever- growing list of Tiger’s human lovers.
    “We met at a Halloween party in Las Vegas,” recalls the tri-breasted bombshell, an exchange student at the University of Roswell in New Mexico.
    “Tiger said I had a great costume -- and that he really liked my horns,” she adds with a giggle. “But, actually, Halloween is the only time I get to take my human costume off.”
    Raahala, 25 in Earth years, says the shamed athlete invited her up to his Las Vegas hotel suite to see his favorite club.

Tiger Woods

    “But I didn’t see any golfing equipment at all,” recalls the beauty, who’s been working on an anthropological study called Mating Habits of Celebrity Life Forms on Earth.    “Still, we did have a ball,” she says. “Tiger really is an animal!”
    The blockbuster news quickly made headlines around the globe.
    “We see this as a watershed moment in alien/human relations,” proclaims rock legend David Bowie who, as the Cosmic Chronicle previously reported, came out as an alien last year.
    But some humans were critical.
    Dorothy Sauerpuss, president of the Las Vegas Abstinence Society, which boasts three members, blasted Woods for reportedly having unprotected sex with an alien species.

Sauerpuss

    “For all we know, he could start an Andromeda Strain STD epidemic,” she warns.
    And civil rights activist Rev. Al Sharpton sees Tiger’s extraterrestrial hookup as yet another slight to African- Americans.
    “It’s bad enough that there are no black floozies in Tiger’s harem,” he fumes. “But then to go ahead and pick up a horned and striped alien is really adding insult to injury.”
    In any case, Raahala reveals that their tryst was nothing more than a one-night stand.
    “He kind of freaked out in the morning when he realized I wasn’t wearing a Halloween costume,” she says. “But the experience does support my study's thesis that celebrity Earthlings will mate with anything.”

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Obama wins top galactic award

By Ace Sweeney
Intergalactic correspondent
OSLO, NORWAY—Speculation about the blazing pinwheel of light that suddenly appeared in the sky over northern

Norway

early in the morning of Dec. 9 ranged from the aurora borealis to a cosmic gateway to another dimension.

Alien tribute over Norway

   Eventually, baffled officials from several countries who didn’t want to look stupid decided to declare it was a Russian missile test go awry.
    But the Cosmic Chronicle has learned the truth about the spectacular light show – it was an alien tribute to United States President Barack Obama, who was named winner of the Milky Way Galaxy’s Being of the Year award.
    “Obama was already in Norway to accept the Nobel Peace Prize, so I guess the aliens decided to kill two birds with one stone,” explains extraterrestrial expert Steven Spielberg. “And even I couldn’t pull off a special effects show like that!”

Being of the Year

    As the Cosmic Cafe reported on May 1, 2009, Obama was named leader of Earth by the Milky Way’s Federation of Planets, and he even spoke at a galactic summit, wowing delegates with his soaring oratory and improbable promises of peace and prosperity throughout the universe.
    Obama’s meteoric rise to galactic prominence has been stunning, but some critics question whether he deserves Being of the Year honors.
    “He really has yet to do anything on a galactic scale,” notes Kotexican ambassador Hurrgod Tlaard. “At this point, it doesn’t look like he’ll even be able to save Earth.”

Editor's Note:

I hope you enjoy reading the Cosmic Chronicle as much as my staff of the finest news correspondents in the universe and I enjoy bringing it to you. Our reward is giving you a laugh or two in these trying times, but if you would like to contribute something more marketable -- like money, gold or Federation credits -- to help support this invaluable source of information you'll find nowhere else, we'd gladly accept it. Donations, which are tax-deductible on several planets (check your own world's tax policies for eligibility), can be made through PayPal or by check. For PayPal donations, click here and remit to: gary@cosmiccafe.com.

Checks or money orders can be made out to SuperWriter, Inc. and mailed to: SuperWriter, Inc., 398 Pine Circle, Boca Raton, FL 33432, USA, Planet Earth.

Thanks for your support,
Gary Greenberg
Editor-in-chief

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