Cosmic Chronicle

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Rocky vs. Predator

Beloved boxer killed in ring

By Jacques Strapp
Sports correspondent
PHILADELPHIA, PA. -- Prizefighting screen legend Rocky Balboa tragically met his match when he took on Predator in a pay-per-view bout Tuesday night -- and paid for it with his life.
Predator (17-0, 17 KOs) ripped the former world heavyweight champion’s head from his body just 1.2 seconds into the bout, and Balboa crumpled to the canvas.

Rocky Balboa comes out for
his tragic, final round

Amazingly, the gutsy 66-year-old fighter’s arms instinctively clawed for the ringside ropes and tried to pull the headless body to its feet as the Italian Stallion’s hometown crowd stood in shocked silence. But after a few swipes at the ropes, Balboa’s blood- spurting body collapsed, twitched twice and stayed down for the count.
    Meanwhile, Predator scooped up Balboa’s head and disappeared. The alien species is known for keeping the skulls of its victims as trophies.
    "I warned Rocky not to mess with no alien species, but he just wouldn’t listen,” said his teary-eyed trainer Duke Evers after the fight. “He always did have more heart than brains – especially now.”
    Balboa shot to fame in 1976 when he went the distance with then world champ Apollo Creed in the Oscar-winning film Rocky. In a rematch, he won the title and pounded his way through several sequels, most notably fighting mohawked maniac Clubber Lang, Soviet behemoth Ivan Drago and, most recently, Mason “The Line” Dixon. His final record was 57-54-1, with most of his losses coming early in his storied career.
    Balboa is survived by his son Robert, 31. His wife Adriane died in 2002 of cancer.
    “Rocky was an icon that transcended the boxing world,” proclaims MGM studio honcho Harry Sloan, whose company distributed Balboa’s last film. “He also took in $790 million at the box office overall -- and that’s not including video and DVD sales and merchandising.
    “Believe me, everyone in the entertainment industry will miss him sorely.”

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